Calendars, Cats and One Big Mess
by PaddynBelle
Summary: From a drabble prompt. Puck knows how Rachel acted when she dated Finn-relationship calendars, Team Finn t-shirts  and realizes she doesn't do any of that now that she's dating him and he wonders why not?  *Still don't own Glee*  M for language.


**paddynbelle**

**Calendars, Cats and One Big Mess**

From this puckrachel drabble prompt: .?thread=10543226#t10543226

"Holy shit, you're pouting!"

"What? No, no fuckin' way. What am I, 12? "

"I'm calling bullshit Puckerman. You're totally fucking pouting."

Whatever. He's not pouting. He isn't. But-

Puck has known Rachel forever. They've all known each other forever. Lima is too small not to know everyone in school from kindergarten through high school graduation. Puck had extra knowledge though. The Lima Jewish community is even smaller than the school community and they've been together at Temple Beth Israel –Shaare Zedek since babyhood.

He **knows** Rachel. He knows how competitive and driven she is. She said it herself but he knew it anyway, she wants everything too much. She doesn't share and while she looks like a midget angel, she'd cut you in a minute if she thought you were trying to horn in on her territory.

She's crazy (in a totally hot way, fuck you very much) and she's obsessive. She's relationship calendars and Team What-The-Fuck-Ever (he hates remembering that it was Team Finn) t-shirts and sending the competition to a crack house (it was abandoned and to him that's what makes it epic, not psychotic).

Those things? **Those** are Rachel.

They've been dating for a little over 3 months now. They haven't had sex and yeah, he's waiting for her. And being faithful. You have a problem with that? Fuck you. She's worth it. She's always been worth it.

The reason he stopped their make out session last year? It wasn't Finn. He'd said it was, but it wasn't Finn. It was her. He didn't want her to think about them as something she had to be embarrassed or ashamed of when she thought of it. He wanted her and he knew that if he ever wanted any prayer of getting her for real, it couldn't be with that memory hanging over their heads.

Finn is his boy but Rachel? She was just_** his**_. She had been since preschool. Somehow shit got messed up bad when they hit high school and cliques and jocks and Cheerios and all that crap began to matter more than friends. He'd been an ass to her their first two years of high school. He invented the slushie facial (and he knows it's a miracle that she ever forgave him for that) and he tortured Artie and Kurt and the rest of the Gleeks. He started down the road of being more than a badass; he was heading toward being a real criminal. He knows it's fucked up but in a weird way, he's grateful for his stint in Juvie. If it hadn't been for that, he might still be screwing up every chance he got.

He'd spent over a year watching the fucking Finn and Rachel Show. He knew both of them and knew that no way in Hell was that shit ever gonna work out long term. Finn's his boy, but he's a puss. He cares way too much about what other people think and Rachel is never going to blend in with any crowd (and why the fuck should she?)

Finn needs somebody like Santana; somebody to tell him what to think and when to think it. Just like Rachel needs somebody like him; someone who thinks her crazy is a good thing and doesn't want her to change one damn thing about herself.

After watching Finn and Rachel take forever to figure out what he already knew, things had finally gotten to where they were supposed to be. Finn and Satan got together last year after the "Final, Really Official Finn and Rachel Breakup" (and his boy or not, he still wants to punch Finn every time he remembers that the douchebag left her alone, at night, in the fucking dark and cold to try and get her own ride home from the fucking Christmas tree lot. A Christmas tree lot. The douche took his girl, a Jew, to a Christmas tree lot and then fucking left her there alo…he really has to make himself stop thinking this or he will kick Finn's ass. Fuck if it was a year ago. Fuck if…ok, Finn is getting his ass kicked at some point, he'll just make it look like an accident.)

Point is, he KNOWS Rachel.

At first he didn't notice it. He was just too fucking grateful (fuck you, he knows he should be grateful that she even talks to him after some of the shit he pulled) that they were finally together.

Bizarrely enough, it was Satan who first made him see it. Rachel may be crazy but Satan is loco and when she's having a Loco Moment, any man who enjoys his balls knows enough to stay out of the way, especially if she isn't going to end up being pleased with the outcome of the Moment.

Last month, they all had plans together on a Saturday night, but Finn forgot (big surprise there) that he was supposed to go with his mom and Burt to Westerville to see Kurt at Dalton. Satan likes Kurt and has nothing against family time but she was pissed that Finn didn't remember and that her plans were being fucked up on short notice. She made no attempt to hide that fact from Finn or anybody else who happened to be in the vicinity.

When the Loco Moment got to the point where Satan started cussing in Spanish, Puck wondered if Finn was thinking at that moment that if he'd still been with Rachel, she'd be caring and understanding and offering to make cookies for their trip. She'd probably even go pencil the trip in on their creepy matching cat calendars.

Matching cat calendars. Fuck, he'd almost forgotten about those things. Thank fuck Rachel never tried that shit with him.

Rachel never tried that shit with him. No calendars.

Rachel didn't make matching relationship calendars for them.

Shit, why was he thinking about this? What the hell is wrong with him? He doesn't actually want a stupid relationship calendar. Does he? Fuck no, he doesn't.

But shit like that? It's Rachel's thing. It's her thing and she hasn't done it for them.

That started him thinking. About Rachel. About Rachel and how she acted when she was dating Finn. About Rachel and how she's acting now that she's dating him.

No calendars.

No couples counseling.

No Team Noah t-shirts (and fuck yeah, he likes being Noah for her).

Once he noticed it, it seemed like he couldn't get it out of his mind and over the next month he sees it more and more often.

Last year in Glee whenever Finn would get paired with Quinn or Santana, Rachel's eyes would follow them around the choir room constantly. He knows because he'd watch her watching Finn.

This year, when Puck gets paired with Quinn he looks around for Rachel and she's not even glancing his way. She's deep in conversation with her partner Artie about their song choice.

That's another thing. He realizes that he has to look around for her. She doesn't always sit next to him in Glee. She never sat anywhere other than right next to Finn, holding his hand. She'd have sat on Finn's goddamn lap if Shue would have allowed it.

She comes to his games and she claps and cheers for him but she never makes a spectacle of herself. No goofy ass t-shirts and no screams of "that's MY boyfriend". She isn't quiet out of embarrassment and it sure as fuck isn't shyness, Rachel lives for the attention of crowds.

He's beginning to get pissed…at himself. He's not Finn, for fuck's sake. Their relationship is totally different than the shit-fest that was Rachel and Finn.

But still.

It eats at him and as hard as he tries, he just can't stop letting it. He even brings it up to Santana. Fuck that, he should have known better. She just looks at him like he's…well, like he's Finn. You know, like he's someone so stupid he'd believe you could get pregnant by coming in a hot tub.

Then, tonight.

He was getting ready to go pick Rachel up for their Saturday night date. There's one place in town that serves vegan pizza and Rachel loves it. Satan and Finn stopped by and it looked like a double date was going to be happening. Finn went to put gas in his car while Puck finishes dressing and Satan hung out watching TV.

Rachel calls and he doesn't know what gets into him (fuck that, yeah he knows but damn) and he tells her that Satan is there. She asks about Finn and he says no, just Satan. He doesn't tell her that Finn was there and is coming right back. He mentions nothing about gassing up the car.

He knows he's being a dick. He knows that even though they've all made their peace with things, there are still some sore spots. It's Santana. He and Santana used to fuck. A lot. Then the whole Santana/Finn fucking (literally) mess last year.

He knows he's being a dick. He knows it. He knows it and he does it anyway. He isn't getting a relationship calendar or a t-shirt or eye-stalking or any of the shit that Rachel does when she's in a relationship. He just wants some reaction out of her. He knows this isn't the way to do it. He knows he should just man the fuck up and either get over it or talk to her but he's been Puck for 18 years and this whole "being Noah and not being a dick" thing is new to him.

He's waiting for some reaction. The silence. The deep breath. The change in her tone of voice.

He gets nothing.

She sounds exactly the same and just keeps on chatting about dinner. He tells her he'll see her in a little while and hangs up the phone to see Satan looking at him. She'd been listening to his side of the conversation and knowing him, she knows exactly what he was doing.

"Holy shit, you're pouting!"

"What? No, no fuckin' way. What am I, 12?

"I'm calling bullshit Puckerman. You're totally fucking pouting."

When he doesn't laugh she stops and stares hard at him.

"You were serious? About Rachel and the calendar shit? I thought you were drunk or stoned."

"I know, okay. I know it's fucked up. But shit, you know Rachel. You know how she is when she's into someone. Jesse. Finn. Fuck, you of all people…FUCK"

Expecting a Loco Moment and mentally gearing up to have a screeching Latina in his face, Puck was completely unprepared for what came next. Satan put her hand gently on his arm and spoke softly.

"**Don't** do this. Don't go down this road. Go talk to her. We'll meet you guys later but go talk to her now."

He stared at her for a second then leaned over, kissed her gently on the cheek and grabbed his keys off the counter.

"Don't fuck Hudson on my living room couch…and thanks."

Fifteen minutes later, he was parked in Rachel's driveway wondering if he was going to be here very long and if he'd still have a girlfriend when he left.

Rachel answered the door with her coat on and her purse in her hands, fully expecting to walk out to his truck and leave for their date. When he just stood in the doorway, she looked at him with a confused expression on her face.

"Noah?"

"Rach, can I come in for a minute? Your dads here?"

"No, they've already left for the evening. Noah, what's wrong?"

Something in his voice told her that this wasn't one of his usual romantic maneuvers for trying to take advantage of her being home alone. Something is wrong. She steps back to let him inside but she doesn't move far, sitting down on the stairs that lead to the upstairs part of the house.

He closes the door behind him and paces back and forth in her foyer. Even this…this quiet waiting. This isn't Rachel. Rachel should be asking a million questions and talking over him and giving him the "Noah, what on Earth are you doing?" speech.

He stops in front of the stairs and looks at her and everything that's been in his head for the last month comes streaming out of him in one rambling breath.

"When you were dating Finn everybody saw how you were. You were all over him, all over the whole "we're a couple" shit. You made calendars for the two of you. With cats. Fucking CATS, Rach. You wore that fucking Team Finn t-shirt to every basketball game. You wore a necklace with his fucking name on it like a neon fucking sign saying "Finn's girlfriend." You damn near stalked him in school. You sat next to him every fucking day in Glee. You would have thrown a goddam fit if he'd told you that Santana was alone in his fucking house. Why don't I have a calendar Rach? Where's my t-shirt?

I tell you Santana is in my house without Finn and you just keep on talking about pizza? What the fuck, Rach? Finn treated you like something he scraped off his shoe. He lied to you about Quinn, lied to you about Santana, left you alone in a goddamn tree lot in December in the snow, and you moped around like someone had killed one of the cats on your fucking calendars. I don't even get a calendar, you don't seem to care what I do or who I do it with. I've never even looked at another girl since we got together. I've had a lot of offers and I turned ever fucking one of them down. Every. Fucking. One. Where's my goddamn calendar?"

After he stops talking, he feels exhausted and just flops down on the floor with his back against the front door. He's held all that in for a month and shit, he knows this wasn't the way to talk about it. He'd planned to sit and talk calmly (well, calmly for him anyway). He didn't plan to yell and he sure as fuck didn't mean to sound like a whiny bitch. "Where's my calendar?" Who says that? Fuck! He waits for the fall-out, the Rachel Berry version of "go fuck yourself".

"Are you finished?" She doesn't say it like he expects. It's not hard or pissed off or sarcastic. Just soft, like she really wants to know if he's done before she takes her turn.

He nods but says nothing else. He thinks he's said more than enough.

She takes a deep breath and starts and he hears the shakiness in her voice. An hour ago, he wanted to hear some indication in her voice, something to let him know that she had some feeling about this, about him, about their relationship. Now, hearing it, he'd give anything to go turn back that clock.

"Noah, I did all those things because I felt like I had to. As you so astutely pointed out, I was far more invested in my relationship with Finn than Finn was. I knew that particular truth deep down even if I didn't want to admit it to myself at the time. The calendars, the t-shirts, the necklace? It was all designed to make a public statement, yes. I felt like I needed to make that statement. Heaven knows, Finn wasn't going to make it, either with words or actions. I look back on my behavior last year and I cringe. It's humiliating.

Why don't I do that with you? I don't have to. I don't have to write our dates on a calendar. You've never forgotten one and it's never occurred to me that you would. I don't have to wear a shirt that says I'm your girlfriend. You've never hidden it. You've never acted embarrassed or ashamed to be with me. I don't worry about Santana being at your house alone or some random girl propositioning you. I watched his every move because I never knew what would happen if I wasn't watching. I've never felt for one moment that you would cheat on me. You were the one with the history of Cheerios and cougars and lists of girls as long as my arm and Finn was the golden boy and yet, I trust you. I never trusted Finn. I wanted to. I tried to, but I didn't. He left me in that tree lot but who drove out in the snow and picked me up? That was you. I don't act like I did with Finn because you're not Finn and I don't have to be that person with you."

He felt like the world's biggest asshole. She trusts him. She humiliated herself over Finn. Fuck. He gets up off the floor and walks over to the stairs. She hasn't told him to get out and she isn't pushing him away when he sits down next to her.

"Rach-I-I. Fuck Baby, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know why-. You're right Rach. Finn is always the Golden Boy. He gets everything. I'm not used to people trusting me. I'm not used to being thought of as the good guy in the picture. I'm sorry Baby. I'm sorry he made you feel like that and I'm sorry I did this. I'm sorry I didn't come talk to you before and just - Fuck Rach, I'm sorry."

There's a lot more he wants to say. He wants to tell her that he knows he's an asshole who doesn't deserve her. He wants her to know that she's the best thing that's ever happened to him (he thinks she may know that anyway) and he mostly wants to beg her not to break up with him.

He doesn't say any of it because he knows he's already done enough damage. He made her dig up all that old crap about Finn and relive the humiliation. If she dumps him, he'll deserve it and he's not going to give her any more reasons to feel guilty or embarrassed.

They sit on the step not talking for what seems like hours but can't be more than 15 or 20 minutes. She hasn't said another word since he apologized and he isn't about to leave her alone unless she throws him out.

At some point, he realizes that she's reached over and put her hand on top of his. He laces her fingers through his and covers their hands with his other one.

"Could we order in pizza, Noah? I really don't feel like going anywhere but I'm starving."

He knows then that this isn't over. Not this conversation but not them either. There's been too much water under all their bridges. Maybe they were stupid to ignore it. He's not a big one for self-analyzing but maybe all that shit about "talk it out" isn't total bullshit.

For now though, pizza and a quiet night with his girl is enough.


End file.
